What would you do?

You are in a carpool for your 8th grade child's year-round sport.  It means that you only have to make the 40 minute trip 3 times/week vs. twice daily 6 days/week.  You are friends with the mothers of the two other children, one a boy and one a girl.  You tend to do rides home, because that works best for everyone - usually you pick  the kids up around 8:30 and run them home.  Typically, your child hops in the front seat and the other two are in the back.

In recent weeks, the boy and girl have been getting very silly/flirtatious in the back.  There is whispering, giggling, rustling of jackets.  Total disregard for the taxi driver, let alone the third child in the front.  I mean deliberate whispering with the hand over the mouth.  Last night, the girl brought "a snack" for the boy, and there was all this guffawing about opening the snack, crunching paper, eating the snack.

This morning I found said snack all over the back seat of the car, and squished into the carpet on the floor.

What would you do?

Comments

[Kerstin]

Is there a grade to this quiz? ;)

First, I'd let it be known that everyone needs a seat belt on at all times and that the middle seat belt in back isn't an option.

Second, I'd point out the mess they made in the back and ask them to refrain from snacking in the car.

Your car, your rules.

It is possible to do this without embarrassing your daughter. Be nice, but firm.

If you think more hanky panky is going on, a lighthearted “hands to yourself” should do the trick. :)

[Becca]

Agreeing with the previous poster - seat belts are a must - your car your rules! Do you have a dustbuster? Bring it and have the snackers clean up their mess! (It's the end of a long day, and I work with that age group, I'm a tad punchy)

When I was in high school there was a couple on the bus that used to do that same sort of thing - we complained to the bus driver and he made an announcement that he had to be able to see hands at all times. He did indeed pull the bus over when they slunk down and hands disappeared! :) If it keeps up, mention it too their parents!

[katie]

I second what Kerstin said. Your car, your rules. I hate that age. Kids can be so mean and self-absorbed. And I have two kids myself who will be there one day...sigh.

[Susan]

Hmmmm, you haven't said how your child feels about this. . . so if this isn't an issue with your child feeling excluded, I'd say that calling the mess made to the attention of the other two kids and dealing with that issue has to be done. Whether that gets the other two to behave in general is another story.

If your child is feeling excluded, that's a tough one, because too much intervention is going to backfire on you -- no 8th grader is going to be kind to a peer whose mother tells them to be more polite and inclusive during the carpool. It would be interesting to find out from the other carpool drivers if this is going on when they drive, too, as perhaps all of the carpool drivers can come up with a united front. Ultimately, it's your car and your rules, but if the other parents are noticing the same behavior, they may be allies in dealing with this situation.

Good luck, and please keep us updated!

[Annie]

I definitely agree with Kerstin- your car, your rules. And would a little respect to the driver be too much to ask for? I think I would also say "no whispering, please". How rude! Of course I would also use it as a teaching example to my child of how NOT to behave in someone else's car.

Fun times!

[Lorette]

Kick them out and make them walk home?
This is probably why I don't have children. ;-)

Seriously, I'd at least make them clean up their mess next time you drive. It might bring them back to reality, even if only for a minute.

[Julia]

Well, a dust buster is definitely in their future I think. I have a small child and a grown child. I have been my child's friend and advocate and sometimes an immense embarrassment. Oh well, at least one of them has survived. I have also been a camp counselor for this age group and it may be possible to take that position. They probably think they are pulling something over on you - it might be good for them to know that they aren't and that you aren't going to their parents - yet, but that you expect them to be responsible and respectful and they'll get that in return. Sometimes just showing you are savvy, makes them a bit more restrained. I don't know that I would say anything to the daughter beforehand - it's not about her and it's not her fault. It may embarrass her though, but shoot, that's going to happen eventually anyway. If it was your kid in someone else's car, what would you want them to do about it? Good luck.

[Kathy]

Whatever you do, your daughter will probably be mortified. I'd clean up the mess for now, but tell them that if they want to snack in the future, they need to: (1) bring snacks for everyone; and (2) be careful and not make a mess.

[Kathy]

Oh, I agree with Kerstin, the seatbelts ought to solve the problem.

[Jill]

I cannot imagine that this behavior is not causing your daughter some personal pain. The other two are certainly being exclusive. If snacks had been consumed respectfully in the past it may be time to re-establish the rules of etiquette. If snacking on the way home is new, nix it. My thirteen year old struggles with the flirty behavior she sees each day at school. It makes her very uncomfortable. Because I have a teacher voice, I usually get results by being straight with her friends. Don’t pull punches. Friendly but frank. At this point I’ve only had to call one “mean girl” on the rug. Respectful, firm, and the behavior stopped. I guess you could say I respectfully embarrassed her by labeling the behavior she already knew was rude and wrong. sigh.

[Jen]

I have one big rule when it comes to kids in my home or car. I set the rules and they follow them. Come right out and let them know you don't appreciate or approve of their behavior and it needs to stop. I've been in this type of situation and it can be difficult. But the kids have always come around to my way and are a lot more respectful to me than to a lot of other adults who don't call them on it. A simple, "Settle down back there," or "show some respect please," may be all it takes.
Love your blog.

[Suzanne]

Oh, the dreaded car pool issues! I drive six kids home from school every day, and I am constantly faced with situations that I feel I need to handle, but don't know how. I say, though, that you set the rules in the car. If you don't normally allow your kids to eat in the car, I don't see any problem with saying no food allowed in the car. Good luck!

[Cambria W]

perhaps if there is room, institute an "all kids ride in the back" policy, followed by a "no food in the car" policy due to the food being all over. maybe with all of them in the back it'll cut the sillyness.

[poormary]

.....don't have a stink'n clue.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[Kim]

Aaahh...Kids can be so mean at this age, even when it's not intentional. I agree....seatbelts are a must and perhaps rotating seats. Or.........and this is what I would probably do, given that I am on child number 4 in the 9th grade and have done this a few times (one more to go). I would keep the tone I used light and jokingly say that they need to have their seatbelts on, hands were you can see them and any mess they make with food.......they clean it up, becuz your not a maid and you really don't want to be a chaparone....just a driver :-)

[Betsy]

no nice crap from me - I would suggest talking to the parents of the said children. Do they treat your child like this when they are in the other car? Is your child hurt by this behavior? Nip it now!! Trust me, I have tried many times to say things politely and it goes no where some people are just well, dense!
As far as seat belts go - do not move the car until everyone is belted. It is the law and you do not need any problems if the car is hit and one kid comes up hurt.
the flirting - I have my theories but they cannot be posted on your blog. har har
whispering is rude no matter how you slice it - tell them if they want to share with everyone go ahead if not shut up!
Good luck and I hear bus tokens are a great holiday gift!!!!